


The Love That Stayed

by lullys



Series: The Love That Remains [2]
Category: No Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-06 06:22:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16382969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullys/pseuds/lullys
Summary: This is not a sequel or a timestamp to The Love That Remains. It’s the story that inspired it.A story about an 11 year old girl who fell in love with a boy at a summer camp. A story about how they parted ways too soon, but he changed her life forever.





	The Love That Stayed

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking abou doing this for a long time now, but I could never decide whether or not it was a good idea. This past weekend the feeling grew stronger so I knew I had to. I wanted to tell the story that inspired me to write The Love That Remains, so people can really understand the depth of the love that fic contains. I really wrote it for myself, wanted to get it out from my chest, I actually wrote the whole thing in a day. It was that bad.
> 
> This letter isn't beta'ed for one simple reason, I want for it to be completely my words, if it makes sense. So forgive me for any mistakes you may find.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. (thank you Mag for the final quote)

I had a dream about him two days ago. It had been a while since I last dreamed about him. Have you ever had the feeling of your heart hurting in your dream? Like you physically feel it hurting, even if you’re sleeping. That’s how I felt when I saw his face in my dream.

Nobody knows about him in my real life. I have only told one friend, but we are not in contact anymore, and I’m sure she doesn’t even remember this story. I have always been a very open person, I tell my close friends everything, they know all about my love stories, but this is the one I kept to myself. I’m not sure why I chose not to share, maybe I was too young when it happened and I didn’t know how to tell, and when I got older I felt like it shouldn’t be shared. Point is, he’s my secret buried deep inside. But I want to talk about him in someway, I want to share this story, I think it’s time. In here, I’m gonna refer to him as R. I would like to keep his real name just to myself, the one part I don’t want to share.

When I was 11 years old, in January of 2000, my mom decided I should go to a summer camp. I was so terrified, how was I supposed to be away for a week with people I didn’t even know? I went anyway, scared shitless as we arrived at the meeting point where the buses would leave to the camp. I remember the 4 hour bus ride, I remember when I first stepped foot there. It’s funny how I remember so much from a week that happened more than 18 years ago.

_18 years ago._ How did a lifetime pass since the last time I saw him? Jesus.

The campers were divided by age there. Since I was 11, I was in the 8-11 group. Older campers were in the 12-16 group, and we were supposed to do all daily activities with our group. On the first night, they got us all gathered at the soccer field so they could sort the teams for the games and stuff, we would stick with this team the whole week. Does this sound familiar? Yeah, I used this scene in my fic. It happened almost exactly as I wrote. I was kind of lost because it was my first day, so I accidentally sat among the 12-16 campers and ended up sorted into one of their teams when I was actually supposed to be put in a 8-11 team. It took me a while to notice that, and when I did, I didn’t want to change anymore. I was sent to a team by the counselor, and as I sat down I looked around and that was the first time I saw R. I don’t remember what I thought at the moment, it has been too long, but I remember looking at his face and being somehow hypnotized by it. Even when I saw him for the first time, I already had the feeling that he stood out. That’s how he was, he was a natural leader. And he was older, already _sixteen_. That to a 11 year old girl was a lot older. He named our team and created a small song, which I still remember every word.

Some things have faded from my memory, I can’t remember if we had an activity that night. I’m almost 100% sure we did of course, but the details are long gone now. But even if I can’t remember all of that week, I remember _him_. The image of him in a lot of moments is very clear to me, even if the circumstances have faded. We played capture the flag on the next morning and I remember him running faster than everyone else to capture the flag from the other team. We won the game.

R was very popular at the camp, everyone seemed to love him. From what I gathered, he had attended the camp for years. The older girls were all over him. There’s a moment I remember when me and a girl from my cabin went to the older girl’s cabin to borrow whatever for the themed dinner, and I saw them getting all dressed up, putting make up on, styling their hair, and I felt so out of place since I didn’t do any of that stuff, I hadn’t even taken fancy clothes to the themed dinners. So obviously he would never notice me.

Another scene that I wrote pretty much exactly as it happened, was the one where campers could write notes to someone, signed or not. As I sit here and try to remember that day, I can’t tell if I wrote R a note, even anonymously (which of course I would have done, I would never sign it). I honestly can’t remember if I did or not. Most likely I didn’t. Forgive me, like I said it’s been over 18 years. But I do remember us sitting at the cafeteria after dinner as the counselors read the notes, and a lot of them were for R. It became even a joke, everyone would laugh as his name was called over and over. That’s when I truly realized how popular and adored he was. You know how I described the smug look on Jack’s face as he listened to the endless notes? I can see in my mind R’s face as I type, so vividly as it happened yesterday, the same smug look. He knew how popular he was.

But even being so popular, R was very kind. He wasn’t a jerk because everyone loved him, quite the opposite actually. Maybe that’s one of the reasons that caught my attention. I remember one afternoon, we were all at the pool and I was on the line for the water slide, R was a few people ahead of me, and when he got into it he got stuck because of his swimming trunks. I started singing a song from the camp that we used to mock someone (not in a mean way of course), and he looked at me and smiled, and sang along, even doing the hand gestures. I remember that. I also remember during a party where he got up the stage with a few friends to dance Macho Man by Village People. I always think of him when I listen to that song.

I made up some scenes for the fic, because I wanted that story to be about them, even if it was inspired by my own story and a lot of scenes are similar. Some happened but not the way I wrote, I made some changes to create their own story and to preserve some of mine to myself. There was a bonfire on Friday, the whole camp was there. We sang some camp songs (our camp had a lot of original songs) and in the end, each of us were given three pieces of candy, and we were supposed to exchange them with someone else (there is a story about sharing behind it that was told back then) and give this person a hug. I did it with a lot of people but not with R. Of course everyone wanted to hug him so I didn’t even stand a chance.

Then came Saturday, the last night we spent at the camp. It was January 15th, as if I could ever forget. We were leaving on Sunday morning. We were all gathered at the salon to watch the presentations. During the whole week there were daily activities like dance, drama, music, and the campers involved in it prepared something to show on this last evening. The whole thing had a nostalgic touch to it, everyone was already missing the camp and their friends even if we were still there. Once the presentations were over, everyone stayed at the salon for the final goodbyes. There were a lot of hugs and tears, I myself hugged a lot of people, some of them I didn’t even have the chance to know very well, but it felt sad to leave everyone behind.

I wasn’t even under the illusion that I was gonna have the chance to hug R, he was of course too busy saying goodbye to the whole camp. I remember needing to get some air at some point, so I went outside to the porch. I had been there lost in thoughts for a while, thinking that tomorrow at that time I’d be gone, far away from R. Was trying to comprehend all of that, everything I was feeling. Eventually, he walked outside. My heart skipped a beat, I watched him as he hugged one of the counselors that was also hanging around outside. When they broke apart, she walked inside and I assumed he would too.

Instead he noticed me there, came towards me and enveloped me in a tight hug. He was taller than me, I remember him bending down a bit and me wrapping my arms around his neck. I… god. It’s hard to write this bit, I keep pausing it as I relieve it in my mind. I remember the feeling, my tears soaking his shoulder. I clung so hard to him, like I wanted to keep him and that moment forever. He has no idea the present he gave me that day. I still keep the silk robe I was wearing that day, it’s light blue and it has a lot of Tweeties on it (we were supposed to dress up with fancier clothes for the last dinner but I didn’t have anything, so my counselor helped me improvise with what I had). My mom has tried to give it away a few times when I was younger but I wouldn’t let her, even if I haven’t wore it ever since. Funny thing, she never questioned why. It’s the one thing he touched, it’s like it holds a part of him. More important than all other moments, that is the one I’ll always cherish the most, the one I could never forget. Sometimes I wonder if it was real, if that hug really happened or if I created it in my mind, but I know it did. For one moment, he noticed me, his focus was only me. I can still feel it, 18 years later. A part of me remained in that hug.

The hug scene was the one I made sure to write differently for Jared and ‘Jack’. I didn’t want to make it the same as it was for me because that is _my_ moment, if it makes sense. It’s the one thing that sets their story apart from mine. I didn’t want to share that, I had to come up with something else for them and keep my hug, my moment, only to myself. Nobody else ever gets to have it.

We only had one more morning. Our team was announced as the winner of the week, and it couldn’t be any different. R and his friends were awesome, we won everything. We had a group hug to celebrate, and were given a card from the camp as a gift. Still have it.

The last time i saw R, was similar to Jared seeing Jack. I was on the bus and he was down there, he would stay in the camp for one more week. He was there, saying goodbye to everyone, waiving, and I saw him until the bus drove away and made a turn.

I never saw him again.

It’s hard for me to understand why I felt so strongly about R. I was at that age where I had a lot of crushes, something very childish, appropriate for a 11 year old. But what I felt for him was different. So much so that I couldn’t tell even to my best friend, I didn’t know how to explain. I still have my diary from that period, and man I wrote so much about him there. My 11, 12 year old self was very confused about that strong feeling. I asked myself a lot of times why I just couldn’t forget him? I felt so empty when I came home, and so different. It was like I had discovered something completely new for the first time. I returned to the camp in 2001, and I was so anxious to see him again, didn’t know if he would be there or not, after all he was already 16 when I met him, but maybe as a counselor?

I arrived at the camp and searched over and over for him, but someone, I have no idea who, mentioned he couldn’t make it this year. I felt my heart sinking that day. I knew it was a faint hope, but I still had it.

The week wasn’t horrible, it was actually great and I was able to enjoy it. I met a new boy there and even developed a crush on him - hey, I was only 12. Even if R was my big love, I had a lot of crushes. I did drama classes with him and we performed at the end of the week. He was really great, we reunited years later when we were counselors together and still have each other on Facebook. I even borrowed the dancing scene (where Jared watches all girls dancing with Jack and he wishes he could dance with him too) from him, it didn’t happen with R. But he was only a crush, it faded away with time. The only one that stayed was R. On the last day, his brother, who was one year younger and was attending for the last time then, mentioned him as everyone had the chance to offer a piece of candy to someone who couldn’t be there. He said he would offer the candy to R and threw it to burn in the bonfire. My tears that followed came from deep inside, it was a cry of pain and so much longing caused only by hearing his name.

I went to the camp only one more time, in 2002, and then I didn’t come back. In 2007 and 2008 I was a counselor there, but they held the camp in a different location. It wasn’t the same place and it didn’t feel the same. I had the opportunity to return to the original camp in 2011, I was 23. There was a reunion of old campers and I was happy to go and see everyone. I knew from the get go he wouldn’t be there, so I didn’t even keep my hopes up.

During a party, I walked outside the salon to the porch and stood on the same spot R had hugged me 11 years before. It was a mixture of so many feelings, being at the same place that gave me one of the best, or the best, moments in my life.

Remember that scene where Jared sits in front of the lake and prays for heaven not to let him live his whole life without seeing Jack again? I did that during this trip. I sat there by myself, looked up and made a wish. Just for once, let me see him again. Just once, please.

I have a tape with a few images of R. They sent each of us one a few weeks or months after the camp, with a lot of moments from the week that the camera guy had captured. I turned it into DVD and I’ve watched a few times, but it hurts to see his face. But even so, I pause, rewind, watch it again. He’s smiling in every footage there is of him. He had a beautiful smile. I always go back, watch it, go back again, watch it. It hurts, but I want to. They also gave us a small photo album, and there’s a picture of all campers sitting together. We are very far apart in it, but it’s proof that we’ve been together. It’s both of us in one captured moment.

Unlike Jared, I wasn’t completely on the dark about R’s whereabouts. I know his full name, learned at some point over the years. I was able to follow bits of his life, I know he used to date a girl from the camp years ago. _She is so lucky_ , I used to think. He had an Orkut page years ago, that’s around the time he was dating this girl. I had thought about messaging him, telling him something, but what would I even say? He was with someone, he had his life, why would he want to know about a girl who stupidly couldn’t get over him? So I didn’t do it. I was around 16, 17 at the time. Eventually he deleted his page, and I never found him in social media again, only his father on Facebook who has the same name as him. So eventually I go there to take a look, I know what his parents look like and that R had a new girlfriend from something his father said. There was a picture of him all grown up. I saved it. He still looks almost the same as I remember, he barely changed over the years. He has the same eyes, same smile. I’d recognize him in one second if I ever saw him.

A few years ago, 3 or 4, I was at the mall having dinner with my parents, and having a meaningless conversation. Suddenly I saw a couple walking by, and I immediately knew who they were: R’s parents. The conversation faded away and my vision blurred. His parents were walking beside me. People who get to see him all the time, who know where he lives, who have him in their lives. They were walking by me and had no idea that girl next to them has loved their son for years and years. God, how much I wish I could talk to them. I didn’t, of course. That day I went home and wrote a long post on Tumblr talking about him, it was the first time I told people about him. Some of them asked me to turn it into a fic. It took me a couple of years but eventually The Love That Remains was born. If I was gonna write it, the fic had to make justice to my story.

R has become a part of me. Missing him as well. It has been buried deep inside my heart for more than half of my life. I met him when I was 11, I turned 30 this year. I’ve met so many people ever since, I liked so many guys, got involved with some, but I’ve never felt the same way. There was only one more guy that came really close, it’s another beautiful story from my 13 year old self (maybe I’ll share this one too someday) and I think I also loved him in a way. Never again though. Still haven’t found the one, maybe my heart feels that I already did, and nobody else will ever make me feel like this again.

Loving R has made me grown and mature at a young age. I felt real love for someone when I was so young and not prepared for it yet. I could never explain why I can’t forget him, even after such a long time. My mind has created so many scenarios where I am reunited with him, I always had a creative mind like that (my fics are proof of that). There are a few times I wished I could forget all about him, it would hurt less, but then I realize I don’t want to ever forget. He’s my special treasure, the most beautiful story I have, and even if I never see him again in this life, I want him inside me.

I just wish he knew. I wish I could have the chance to talk to him for one day, just to let him know he forever changed the life of an 11 year old girl. He should know. I found out a couple of years ago that he has a son (or a daughter? Can’t quite remember now). And I truly hope he’s happy wherever he is, I hope his wife makes him the happiest guy ever, he deserves it. And I hope she knows how lucky she is to have him. Everyone that has the chance to have him in their life should know that too. Because there’s a girl out there somewhere who would give anything for that chance. It’s funny because I know nothing about him, except that he was a kind boy when he was 16. I don’t know his personality, what he likes and doesn’t, anything. But yet, if I could have one wish, I wish I could marry him. I wish I could give my 11 year old that, since I feel he was the one, even if I can’t explain how or why.

Honestly I don’t even need much. I just wish I could hug him again.

(I just checked his dad’s FB page after a while and there’s a new picture of the family there, R with his parents and brother, I saved it. He looks beautiful, I love his smile. From his smile alone I can tell he’s a very kind man.)

I wish I could know what his voice sounds like.

Even if we never see each other again, everything has always been about him. Every song I hear, I make it about him. Every poem about longing. Everything. It’s easier now than it once was, time has a way of healing things and making it better. I am able not to think about him as much as I used to, but he’s always there. Somewhere deep inside. I can go for a long while without thinking about him as much, and then I miss him so much it nearly suffocates me (like right now). Out of the blue I’ll dream about him, as I mentioned it happened a couple of days ago. And even in my dream my heart recognizes him, and it aches when I see his face. It’s a deep longing that is hard to explain. Now that more than 18 years have passed, I’m sure I’ll feel it forever. Maybe I’ll get married someday, have children of my own, and I’m sure I’m gonna love my husband.

But my love for R will remain forever, buried deep inside, in a place nobody can ever reach, remove or change it. It belongs only to me, loving him has shaped me into the person I am today. R doesn’t know it, but I’ll be eternally grateful to him. For making me feel the purest and most wonderful feeling in the world even when I had no idea what it was.

*

I loved you even before I knew what love was. And this love will forever stay.

*

_“We are homesick the most, for places we have never known. The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd - The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.”_  
~ Fernando Pessoa


End file.
